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Remembrance Day (Potential Trigger Warning)

Updated: Jun 23, 2023

2's about how long it will be since the day I learned I was told the test was "faintly" positive. What already felt like a tormenting and tragic year of life in the midst of a Global Pandemic. During a time where 100% of people were fighting to remain optimistic and hopeful but battling through fear during this intense worldly experience.

For me, this was so soon after making a recent career switch just before the Covid 19 shutdown in the US.

That day, the news I received at the local Planned Parenthood would turn my world upside down and break my heart more than any man who has come into my life truly ever has and is an experience I know will live with me forever.

Every woman at some point in there life, desires and dreams of what it would be like to become a mother. If you don't that's ok too! No judgments here! But, we all have a thought at some point or another.

Most of us day dream what that moment will be like to see that positive pregnancy test, feel the first flutters and kicks, do the cute thing to tell your significant other that you are pregnant and they are going to become a father, wonder what the gender will be and start planning all the little details of a nursery and all the baby things that come with a pregnancy.

But, what they fail to teach us and tell us that not every experience has that happy ending...

"A faintly positive pregnancy test? What does that mean?" I went to the PPH because it was the only place I have trusted since I was 17 to go for all my annual appointments. The nurse explained to me that my pregnancy test was coming through positive but was a faint reading and that this could mean a couple of things but first an ultrasound would need to be done followed by blood work and she asked to confirm is there any chance you could be pregnant? My heart was racing at this point. I felt a hundred emotions and told her, yes there could be a chance. Knowing me and my boyfriend at the time who had been living together in midst of the pandemic and living a whatever happens is meant to be mindset. I mean at this point it was what felt like life or death anyway with the 2020 outbreak. Should we have been smarter? Yes. Were we prepared to take on whatever happened? Yes, we had that discussion by the way. Was I planning on the relationship ending 1 week prior to this day? Absolutely not. But it did and not only was I alone at my appointment because I was advised to, I was alone in this entire process. Or was I?

As I waited in the room to get my ultrasound Hundreds of thoughts raced through my mind...I'm Pregnant? I'm Pregnant. Do I tell him? Do I work it out with him? Do I keep this baby? my answer to that question to myself was an immediate yes followed by a I will do what I have to to make it work. How do I tell my family? My brother who we are now roommates? Just breathing and awaiting trying my best to be patient was all I could do. I had to talk myself into a moment at a time because the reason I was there... irregular bleeding and cramping I believed to be long menstrual periods or so I thought they were...

Well, The Ultrasound showed nothing.

After asking me more about what was happening and what I noticed with my body, the doctor continued to tell me that its either too early to see anything, potentially an early miscarriage or what they hoped it wouldn't be an ectopic pregnancy.

I never felt more full of fear and sadness in my heart the moment I heard what I did. In my gut, I had a feeling I lost the baby but I didn't want to negate it until the blood work proved and gave me the answer. What I didn't know is that this heartbreaking experience would take me on a journey I never could have imagined. In this moment I felt scared and Alone. I would soon learn I was not.

Monday -1st round of blood work taken

Tuesday- Results confirmed Pregnancy HCG levels indicated early pregnancy about 5-6 weeks.

Wednesday- 2nd round of blood work.

Thursday- result showed minor drop which was concerning showing loss.

Thursday night- left work early for extreme pain and side note, got scolded by my boss even though she knew from day 1 what I was going through they were not ever left in the dark. That night, I began having severe fatigue and cramping at home some minor leg pain (which I blamed my leg workouts for because I lift weights and did running). Straddling my couch, my dad and brother remained present and got me the heating pad, food, anything I needed as I sat and putting pressure to my abdomen, hot shower, focusing on my breath and just listening to the sound of my dad and brother talking in the background while I was on the couch was the only thing that helped keep me distracted from the pain.

Friday Morning- while at work still had some intense cramping happening but felt greatly pressured to stay at work after coming late all week due to blood work appointments. (Red Flag, NEVER EVER let a company you work for make you feel badly about taking care of your health and making it a priority, if they do, leave and don't feel bad about it.) At one point I had such pressure to use the bathroom and when I did I passed something in the toilet at work... the pain was gone... my phone rang... my doctor said my numbers from my Thursday blood work showed a spike in numbers that I am having an ectopic pregnancy. I stayed at work and decided to go to the ER after as advised by my doctor who told me if the pain comes back or gets worse, go to the ER immediately and do not stay at work.

Friday night at the ER, they ran more blood work. At this point arm was already so bruised from so much blood being drawn. Little did I know it would continue and I would lose my job the following day as well. The entire process once they discovered the need for me to get the methotrexate shot took 3 months for my hormone levels to drop down to 0 from September 2020-December 2020 just before my 32nd birthday.

I could go into so many more details but in making a longer story short, I want to focus on the point of, how I had my brother and my dad yet I still felt so alone.

I have decided to share all of this to give you insight on the process of my experience. Every ectopic pregnancy and Pregnancy loss is different. I was one of the very lucky few who didn't have any damage done to my cervix, ovaries or fallopian tubes in this process. There are many women who have experienced worse circumstances in losing a tube or even worse... their life in an experience as such. I am beyond grateful to be here today to be able to share my story as a form of education and most of all let women know that they are absolutely NOT ALONE.

I discovered during this process that remembrance day and the International Wave of Light for Infant and Pregnancy Loss was literally less than 3 weeks away and that I felt was no coincidence for me to discover as many that I knew who reached out to me were not even aware that there was a day to light a candle in memory. Most felt they were alone in this. I was able to give women someone to reach out to and say, I have been there too, telling me I was not alone and then us both being able to make some kind of peace in sharing our heartbreak and experience with each other. Some ladies told me they feel like a weight has been lifted just by knowing that they are not alone.

I wanted to participate but couldn't find a ceremony around and those I spoke to who light a candle light it alone. I knew in my heart, I didn't want to be alone. I already had felt too alone. I wanted to make it something beautiful for myself. I named my speck Malu and I went to the park with a group of ladies, my dad and my brother by my side, shared my story, we cried together, hugged each other, threw a carnation into the river as the sunset and lit our candles together. It was such a hard moment that I never thought would give me peace but in that moment, I felt stronger than ever and definitely not alone.

So for this year, I want to once again, for the 3rd time, STRIVE Wellness & Care NY is hosting a meet-up at Long Dock Park in Beacon on Saturday, October 15th.

Mama, your baby mattered no matter how you experienced your loss. Just because you lost doesn't mean you are not a mama. You loved and lost even if for a moment. Together, we will throw a carnation, light a candle and whether you are willing to share among others or just listen. You have someone to cry with if you need to cry, just be present in a space with those who went through a similar experience but most importantly, through every milestone moment that you are impacted after this experience, you are in fact not alone.

Follow us on our IG Platform @strivewellnessandcareny for continued reminders and updates as weeks progress to the day of remembrance.

We hope that you will join us whether in person or at home, light your candle with your closest loved ones. Mama, we are here for you. My emails and DM's are open to anyone who may privately want to connect.

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